Ex-police dogs

I haven't had time to leave a message on the fence post down the road as normal so I'm hoping the ex-police dogs will pick up this message here...
- the crows are only on the squirrels' side in one area of the park. I tried stalking by the pond again today and the same thing happened as before: I was dive-bombed by a crow. This means that we may be able to distract the Pond Crows by enlisting the crows in other areas of the park. Or maybe the noisy parakeets. Or the magpies.

Anyway that's all, I've got to get back to watching out for that spider.

Silence is golden

FP and I are developing a kind of sign language so that we can manage the Spider Under the Sofa situation. I tested how silent FP is by running off down the street earlier and she couldn't utter even a squeak, so I came back because I felt sorry for her and her silent scream facial expression. I'm talking about a full-blown Munch-style horror-struck face, you know.
Our communication starts with a whistle which is my cue to leave my usual post by the window and get into the study PDQ. FP points, I do a sort of 'thumbs up' equivalent with my ears and then carry out a recce of the sofa area. We're hoping to eventually trap the spider so that we can remove it to ST's room where he can live with the horrible knowledge that it's behind him for a while.

No sign of our 8-legged visitor

It's still under the sofa in the study. Occasionally we can hear a sort of muttering so presumably the thing with the Dyson Animal is still an issue.
After yesterday's all-action squirrel stalk today in the park was very quiet. ST was telling FP that he thinks my heart wasn't in it today - but to be honest he's taking the chance to voice all sorts of controversial opinions since she can't answer back (voiceless still).

Busy again

You see, this is how important I am:

1. FP's voice has gone so she needs me to tell ST that the spider he did nothing about last night when it was a sitting duck on the stairs is now under the sofa in the study and watching her every move having evaded capture with the Dyson Animal. It could be in a bad temper over this attempt on its life...
2. The observant and interested amongst you will have read the comment left on my last blog by none other than Princess Leia herself! I've consulted said Manual and respectfully direct HRH to Appendix 9 of the 2007 version which includes a section on "Dealing with Organised Crime". Here it is clearly stated that: a Polite Canine Dog may learn certain Skills usually associated with more Annoying creatures (such as cats and squirrels) if it is for the Greater Good. I am honoured to have been asked to learn the Skill of tree climbing for the Greater Good of the struggle against the organised squirrel hordes.

I could have done with the ex-police dogs coming up with a plan to deal with the crows a bit sooner than they're managing though. This morning in the park I was hassled terribly whilst trying to stalk up on 2 squirrels whose mugshots have been circulated owing to their high position in the Squirrel Army. Needless to say I had to abandon the stalk. Luckily earlier I had intercepted a Messenger Squirrel. I wrestled dogfully with the bushy-tailed critter and now have the canister in which is contained the vital information he was carrying. It's made of the Shells of Conkers so I'm going to have to be careful about opening it up. Good job I'm a collie, really. I once disarmed a magnetic cat flap lock without so much as splitting a claw so this'll be a piece of cake. Cake...

Royalty

Ha ha! It seems that Princess Leia is back in the Blogosphere - surely this is a turning point in the struggle against the squirrel take-over?
My bed has been returned to its rightful place in the living room finally after a very long week during which I have tried hard to supervise many and several disruptive activities, including drilling, hoovering and painting. The Woodcraft One (who always seems to be gone before FP gets home) has been a scamp and hidden 3 of my rugby balls in FP's boots, which I actually think is hilarious and I've left them there just to see what happens.
Looking forward to tomorrow in the park as I feel certain that there will be news from the ex-police dogs about how to proceed against the crows, if not the squirrels.

Crows

Now the crows are on My List. This morning I was stalking a squirrel, slowly, slowly and suddenly I noticed a crow sneaking up on ME! As soon as I spotted it, it leaped into the air and swooped on me. Swooped!

Clearly the squirrels have cut a deal with the crows - maybe they've offered them extra space in trees to build nests or something. Whatever the bargain is between the two parties it spells more trouble for those of us engaged in the on-going struggle against the squirrel plans to take over London because now they have air superiority.

I have left a pee-mail for the Leggy Dalmatian and the ex-police dogs against a fence post just down the road. It's one ear-marked for urgent messages only so I hope to hear from them soon.

On a brighter note, the interviews for the post of My Assistant have been set for next Tuesday and there are many applicants. Mostly black and white border collies, both long and short-haired. I've said "thanks but no thanks" to all those who specialise in close-quarter tracking behaviours as I know only too well how easy it is to fall head over heels because there's a collie just behind you the whole time. Part of the interview process will include resisting running off with MY TOY. Anyone showing even the tiniest weakness for Tugger (new) will be shown the door. Also, My Assistant will have to agree to a name change as I wish to be assisted by a dog named Beau-Hannan in honour of Chicken Brown's faithful side-kick who was shot by an evil Turkey. Or was it a fox? I'll have to check...

Who'd have thought?

I have to suspect ST of puncturing Kong Wubba because he's just tried to suggest that FP could have done it. Shocking. I'm shocked.
FP is a kindly, generous and loving owner who takes care of me as if I were the most precious thing in her life. Why would FP lavish such care on me and then puncture one of the greatest toys there ever was? Why? It makes no sense.
ST is now on My List and I'm investigating him as well as all the squirrels and local cats. My list of jobs is getting towards the point when I need an assistant. I shall advertise in the park for another collie. Or maybe a terrier.

Single squeak only

It appears that some ENEMY has partly punctured Kong Wubba and it WASN'T ME!
Well, it could have been me because I do tend to chew Kong Wubba whenever I see ST or FP on the phone so that they can only have short conversations owing to all the noise caused by the double-squeak mechanism.
But I still think that some enemy has come in here and badly damaged MY TOY.
There is no shortage of suspects:

1. the frogs
2. the cats
3. the squirrels

I will be conducting yet another investigation but in the meantime I can confirm that Kong is down to a single-squeak and is (IMO) less of a toy. Sigh.

Oh No!

Breathe in...try not to panic...
I. Think. Something. Has. Happened. To. Kong. Wubba.
The squeak mechanism seems to be broken.
WHY? WHY?

All my hard work!

Ruined! ST & FP have moved everything about and messed up all the hard work I did the other day when I was checking for dead frogs (see earlier blog post). Well, if they think I'm doing it all again...

Instead I have retreated to my room to keep an eye on the garden. I had a particularly interesting battle of wills with a squirrel in the park this morning and I suspect strongly that my part in the counter-plot against them is known; I may be a target now and if they can take FP and hold her for a week, then certainly I must be cautious.

Lots of people were running and riding bikes in the park (maybe some sort of training day for other collies) so we had to use another entrance. I did my usual thing of launching straight out of the back seat and belting to the nearest stretch of grass, barking the whole time to let everyone know I'd arrived. FP followed with Tugger (new) and things seemed just as they always do. Except that I reached the Ridge a lot sooner than normal and clearly the squirrels weren't prepared.

There were several on the ground burying nuts which were being knocked from the branches above by other squirrels. Then, suddenly, one of the squirrels froze on its way to a tree and turned towards me.

Now I froze too, the rule being that one does not make a single movement whilst a squirrel is facing one. This impasse lasted for several minutes - an intriguing battle of wills between two determined foes which attracted a good deal of amused interest from passing humans. I know it was having trouble working out for sure that I was actually a dog and not a bush or a park bench because I was in full Stealth Mode, scarcely breathing and standing on 3 legs for way longer than most dogs can manage. My cover was only blown because other squirrels started closing in around me and, like I say, if they can take and hold FP it's worth being careful. Once I'd moved my head to check out the danger all around me, the squirrel I'd been stalking hissed:

"You again!" and sprang half way up the nearest tree.

So now I must be wary. Possibly some local cats have let on that I've been passing on intelligence regarding the squirrels' activities. I knew we couldn't trust the cats!

Untrustworthy: a cat

Thorough

I've been all over the house and there are no more frog bodies. Phew, what a relief.

My muscle strain has cleared up nicely after a day spent lounging by the window in my room, willing myself to be still in the face of extreme provocation by a ginger cat sitting on the fence.

What would have been funny though was seeing the Big Fat Squirrel coming along and the two of them falling off the fence during a chase! Makes me laugh just imagining it happening! Ha ha ha...

I think I've pulled a muscle

Sharp intake of breath! I was doing Long Legs earlier (see last blog but two for description of Long Legs) and I think I pulled something which could mean I can't stalk squirrels in the park tomorrow.

As if I didn't have enough on my mind!

Here I am trying to make sure FP's not forgotten the snack routine whilst she's been away and now I've got another thing to worry about!
It seems the police raid on the frogs after their hoax ransom note has left a lasting impression - and not a good one. This morning we've discovered a dead frog body INSIDE THE HOUSE! Clearly this is a warning to us.

FP's back!

Whoo-hoo! And she brought some rabbit & turkey flavoured food. I'm glad she's back but I don't think I want her to go off in search of rabbit & turkey flavour if it takes a week...I'll suggest she uses the Internet next time, because it's quicker.
I' must go and make sure she's still on the sofa.

Long legs

One thing I love is rolling onto my back and stretching my legs so that I can take up more room. It's a great technique for winning the entire sofa or bed for yourself and I recommend it to you all.

Arrests

12 frogs have been arrested and several others detained for questioning regarding the hoax ransom note. For about half an hour the street was clogged with police vehicles while they tried to secure their hopping mad prisoners in handcuffs.
All this is an unwelcome distraction from the main issue: where is FP and what can we do to recover her?

I haven't really got time for constant blogging...

...but it's important you all know the latest.
I searched everywhere in the garden and noticed that 2 more bushes are gone (?), I'd forgotten to dig up a jumbone from months ago and THAT was NOT pleasant but also I found a ransom note for the return of FP which I think is a hoax because it signed "From the Frogs".
We had a problem with the frogs a while ago when we filled in a pond and loads of them died diving into a mere puddle when what they remembered was a deepish pond with weed and a newt-in-residence. You can imagine the piles of bodies, I'm sure.
Anyway, the truth is that some days you can still hear the frogs protesting in the undergrowth around the new patio flags but we do our best to ignore them. Now it appears they are trying to extort a new, deeper pond out of us by pretending to be holding FP hostage under a bridge. I ask you.
I've already passed on this hoax note to the ex-police dogs and am expecting a raid on the frogs soonest.

Trouble

FP's disappeared. This is serious because I suspect she's been taken by the squirrels. I have to investigate...
In the meantime I'm making sure that ST realises how serious the situation is by waking him up at night. You never know, I might just get lucky and find FP by the back fence at 3am.
Sigh, it's hard without FP here: I worry constantly that ST will neglect the important snack regime and food times. I must keep a careful eye on him.

Eau de Fox

I had it all planned. I stumbled across some fox doot in the park and knew instantly that it was perfect for me and the weather conditions (mizzling rain was forecast which is essential for activating Eau de Fox). I looked around to make sure ST and FP were distracted; they weren't but I have been training them recently to suspect nothing whenever I roll on the grass. They just think that I'm hot and trying to cool down. I smiled reassuringly at them and rolled extravagantly in my doot, realising too late that FP had come over to check out my activities. Damn but she's a wily one!
Immediately they discussed putting me in the bath as soon as we got home and I think it was only the arrival of Murphy the tugger-pinching boxer that made them forget.
My plan was progressing smoothly as the mizzle was not due until the evening when I normally hassle ST into opening the door for me at irregular intervals, regardless of the weather. Sometimes all I do is sniff the air from the doorway. Other times I go belting up the garden and smash into the fence, make my paws really muddy and then try to make it all the way up the stairs without being attacked with a towel.
Suddenly, part way through the day, I noticed that ST and FP were talking about going out - and they weren't taking me with them!
"Curses!", I thought, "If ST's out then I can't be because there's no-one to open the door!" My plans were in ruins.
And then I thought, "Hang on, I can wait until they get back and then go out in the mizzle to activate the doot smell on my fur and then I can transfer the scent of Eau de Fox on their going out clothes and scupper all future plans to go off and do stuff without me!" I'll ask you now to imagine a slightly deranged grin on my face as I chuckled quietly under my breath.
Needless to say that these innovations to my original plan worked perfectly and there'll be no more gallivanting for those two until the dry cleaning is done!

It's all gone so quiet

I'm waiting for a Bjork moment to liven me up.

Fiddling about

Well, you can tell autumn's coming by the fact that ST is flatly, utterly and absolutely refusing to leave the door open for me. I now have (HAVE) to remember to wait for him to open the door for me when I pile through the house at top speed, or I will crash and probably end up with a Noodle Ache. And (AND) I have to wait even if I have just seen 12 foxes pooing in my back garden and even if I have just seen the squirrel hordes cresting the top of the far off hills en route to rout us from our beds and even if I have just seen JipDoodle from across the way using his next-door neighbour's cat flap to gain entry to their house so he can smash up their dustbin and lay the blame on their cat! People will ask themselves "Where's that collie who normally barks orders to us?" and then they'll make it up as they go along and there'll be stuff all over the place...I hate the autumn.

Actually I quite like it. Apart from the closed door thing, of course. Autumn for me means more puddles in the park to drop Tugger (new) in; more things to sniff (because, let's face it, a branch lying on the ground which wasn't there the day before IS incredibly interesting); piles of leaves created by park rangers with those blower thingys need redistributing back to a scattered position. I'm slightly teasing you though because of course the best thing about autumn is that it heralds the start of the Squirrel Season proper, as they are forced to ground in search of nuts! It was like a squirrel playground in the park this morning as they practice synchronised tree climbing/descending. All I need to do is make sure I take careful notice of which trees are producing the most enticing squirrel food and they'll be like fish in a barrel (rubs paws in anticipation and grins :) )