AS and the Art of Greeting Callers to the House

AS doesn't even live here but defends the front door like it was her own. When I'm over at her place I'm a lot cooler, often just appearing with a snarling expression at the window.
I've tried having a word and last night she promised me faithfully that she'd reign it in a bit, not go so crazy next time someone opened the garden gate.
Well, some faithful promise that turned out to be now that we're both banished to the upstairs!
And she's nicked my room!
She's awesome at nabbing biscuits though. I think she's part spider and nearly fearless when she starts climbing the shelves. Some of the things she's found up on the higher ones are amazing.

Jaffa Cakes v Maryland Cookies

After the missing Jaffa Cakes episode a few days back it has been noted that a mostly full packet of Maryland Cookies is on The Desk.
Technically dogs are not permitted to be on The Desk. At all. Not even for dog-related purposes*.
AS and I have been discussing whether the Maryland Cookies are a Test of how well we now understand the technical Rule mentioned above.
If it is a Test, I might pass as my hips ache a bit too much to make the effort to get on The Desk anyway but AS will certainly fail.
Bwahahahahahahaaaaa! AS is going down!
*Purposes = grooming self, being groomed by others, writing blog posts, sending e-mails and the like.

Agent Slim - the return of

Agent Slim (AS) is back. She's been here for a week and the following things have happened:

1. a new cleaning cloth has been designated for 'Dogs'. It's kept with my towels
2. Muddy Puddle has been filled in
3. a pile of fox poo was discovered
4. I was put in a bath and made to smell of 'tea tree oil'
5. a packet of jaffa cakes was stolen

I can hardly keep up!
Send help.